Unrealistic expectations
Last week we talked about Aggressive Words and this week we talk about unrealistic expectations.
Unrealistic expectations include things like wanting your partner to change their values, being the source of all your happiness or going against their natural masculine or feminine polarity.
You want The Perfect Partner.
Some people create this fictional person in their head before the relationship even starts.
This perfect love, where everything is going to come together and work out in the end.
Unfortunately, that is not how it works.
The person you fall in love with might not look like the image you had in your mind. If they don’t meet the idea of this person in your mind, then that is where the conflict starts.
Let’s look at some common beliefs when people start a relationship:
The Relationship will solve all my problems.
Some people think that if they have a relationship, then their problems are solved, such as depression, or loneliness.
The problem is that it creates an overbearing relationship where one of the partners carries too much of the partner’s emotional baggage resulting in resentment or anger and avoidance from the partner.
My relationship should look like others.
A lot of times people think because all my friends and my family are in a relationship, I must also be in a relationship.
Once you are in a relationship, then yours should look like theirs too.
If you try to hold your relationship up to the standards of others, you are always going to find yourself (or your partner) lacking.
We will change for each other.
We as humans are changing all the time, no one stays the same.
If you have an expectation of changing someone to make you happy or the other way around, you change for them, guess what will happen? Resentment will build, and a breakdown of communication, because nothing will make you or make your partner happy.
There will be no argument or disagreement.
Your defences are what ties you in with your partner in the first place.
And no couples will, or any two people will have the exact same opinion, so arguments will arise, such as disagreements.
What makes it difficult in a relationship if you impose that it has to be my way or no way?
Expecting your partner to be a Mind reader.
We are all going through things on a regular basis, even if you live under one roof, but it doesn’t mean you feel the same.
It is not possible for your partner to know what you are thinking, what you are feeling.
It is an unrealistic expectation you create in your own mind that they know it because they love you.
If they don’t know, then they don’t love you or don’t care.
It is unhealthy expectation and creates a negative dynamic for yourself and for your partner.
They always have to show romance.
Love and romance are very nice to have, and they are important in relationships.
But there are other obligations we need to pay attention to.
If you expect that your partner will always show romance, then you create a failure path for your relationship.
A genuine person has other things to do besides romance, (i.e., job, children, look after themselves).
Your partner is into the same things as you are.
Common ground is important, and we aim to achieve some goals together.
Like having a family, or travelling around the world, or living in the city.
But expecting that your partner will have the same opinion as yours in everything.
No two people are a carbon copy of you.
We are all individual and unique.
Remember we all evolve and grow differently.
Maybe once you were eating meat together and now you or your partner want to eat vegan.
Or you used to go to church together, but after a while, one of you wanted to explore Buddhism.
It is nice to have the support for the change you are making, but don’t expect them to make the same transition as you did.
Don't expect your partner to react or feel the same way you do. And never expect perfection.
Here are some positive points to consider:
Accept who we are.
Don’t compare your life with others.
Be open and curious to learn about each other.
Respect each other’s point of view.
Express what you’re feeling and what is in your mind to each other.
Make time to spend together.
Respect and support your partner when they make changes.