Aggression words

Last week we talked about Casual jealousy and this week we talk about aggressive words.

Aggression words

How to improve communication in a couple's relationship?

 It’s hard to listen to someone who is insulting you.

 The healthier way to communicate is to make sure you are not accusing your partner.

 Aggressive words make it difficult to hear the real meaning behind the message.

 After all, most people go on the defensive if they feel accused.

 Using gentle speaking to talk to your partner if there is an issue, will help you solve the problem in your relationship. 

 There are a few ways that aggression words will manifest: 

 1. Character Assassinations

Character assassination is an attack on your partner's core self. Any kind of conversation or behaviour intended or not, that creates an unsafe space and indicates one's worth is character assassination. Over time, this can create hairline cracks in your relationship container, making it toxic.

 2. Threats of Abandonment

In the moment of a heated argument, you might feel angry and say, “I don’t need you” or "You disgust me. I don't even know why I stick around." Or “ I don’t care about you anymore”, so many other statements could show the threat of Divorce or reak up.  

3. Invalidations

This one is like character assassination, only you don’t attack your partner’s core self. They would argue to show invalidate your partner’s point of view or weaknesses, for example: you or your partner/spouse saying, "Bull s**t.", or "You just don't get it." Or "Do you ever get anything right?" and so many others. 

 4. Threats of divorce or breaking up  

This one is more hurtful and terrifying. If you say to your partner in argument “I am not interested in you” or you might say “get out of my life”, even though you might mean it, because you are angry or frustrated, you are creating an unsafe environment for your partner. 

5. Challenges

If you are challenging your partner's basic rights to feel, think, or behave in certain ways, you will ask mean questions to "show" your partner how stupid or incompetent he or she is. Each time your partner tries to make a point, you will interrupt and push hard for your win by undermining whatever his or her reasons are for that opinion. Some examples: "Do you even know what you're talking about?" or "Where'd you come up with that dumb logic?"

 6. Preaching

Sometimes, people use “parental” cards in hostile situations. These could have the most negative impact because it activates childhood guilt or embarrassment.

Some of these preaching examples are like: "For a person who claims to be decent, you ought to know better than to do what you've done." Or "You know, if you were a decent person, you wouldn't talk to me like that."

Can you get rid of these aggressive words?

Yes, but with the support of a professional therapist to support you with new techniques, adopting new ways of how to communicate positively with your partner. 

For now, here are a few tips on how to communicate with less aggressive words ask yourself:

•  What did your partner say that got you going?

• What did you hear?

• What reactions did you feel?

• Why were those words so painful?

• What were you afraid of losing?

• Are you staying accountable to your own behaviour?