Signs of boredom in a relationship

Last week we talked about relationship and fertility and this week we talk about signs of boredom in a relationship.

Relationships are funny things. Starting a new one can feel like going for a drive in a flash sports car, exciting, fun, and even a little bit crazy. But then, before you know it, it can feel like more going to a shop in hatchback - dull, boring and a bit routine.

How does it happen? And why?

One reason that troubling signs of a boring relationship appear is that as relationships carry on, people stop putting in the same effort they did in the initial stages. 

When you’re trying to secure a relationship, you’re on your best behaviour, trying as hard as you can to satisfy your partner and get them to like you. Once you become more comfortable in the relationship, you may grow complacent and stop trying. 

There is nothing wrong with feeling comfortable in your relationship but becoming stagnant only leads to boredom. This can occur not only when you stop trying but also when you get stuck in a routine. 

When you’re suffering from boredom, you, your partner, or both of you may begin to pull away from the relationship. This can mean that your partner is always working late, or maybe you notice that you have started packing your schedule with nights out with friends or extra commitments. 

This can be an effort to find excitement outside of the relationship or simply to avoid the reality that you’re bored and unhappy with your relationship.

Here are a few reasons why romantic relationships can start to feel boring after a while:

You are having surface-level conversations

Couples start talking about the day, the weather, and what they did at work, but never go any deeper than that. It’s a habit that can easily create a sense of disconnect — and even boredom — because you’re never talking about anything new.

If you’ve fallen into this rut, it’ll help to ask each other more open-ended questions, as a way to have conversations about meaningful issues and topics you haven’t necessarily covered before. While you can’t expect to get deep and philosophical every single day, you can prevent boredom by having better, more meaningful conversations on a more regular basis.

Sacrifice their goals to be with their partner

If you sacrifice your goals to be with your partner, you will only find yourself deeply unhappy due to unfulfilled inner desires, which will result in unspoken burdens on the relationship. Even if you are completely okay forsaking your goals, your turning back on your goals will prevent you from achieving self-actualisation, which prevents you from giving your best to the relationship, hence short-changing your partner of the best you.

Go back to the list you had in your mind when you were younger.  Wanted to go to higher education? Write a book? Travel more often? Dance? Paint? Participate in a Marathon/Sport?  Don’t forget about your goals just because you have a partner. If you have something you’re working towards it’ll help keep life interesting, and that will in turn keep your relationship interesting.

You don’t have sex

People bored in a relationship have sex less often and find sex to be less exciting. If you’re not trying to spice up your sex life, the two of you may have grown so bored that you just avoid sex altogether. 

The question: can couples survive their marriage/couple life without sex? in short answer yes – but it can come at a cost. If one partner desires sex but the other is uninterested, lack of sex can lead to decreased intimacy and connection, feelings of resentment and even infidelity.

You don’t spend enough time together

If you've been feeling bored in your relationship, it may also be a sign you aren't doing enough together. You may have so much to do on your own that you don’t have time for the other person. This increases the chances of a relationship becoming boring because you don’t have time for each other or the relationship to stay afloat.

In order to get rid of the boredom in your relationship, think of something like a shared hobby or activities you enjoyed together in the past. A good remedy might be to take turns doing something the other person enjoys.

You are doing everything together

You love your partner, and you want to spend every day and all the time together. And when you spend the vast majority of the time with one person, it's easy to get tired of being with them. The majority of couples faced the boredom issue during their couple time, I witnessed this through my clinical experience and during lockdown. The majority of couples were upset at spending too much time together, and no room for personal freedom. It is ok to have time alone, take some time apart - you'll appreciate the time you do spend with your partner more.

You are sitting together in silence

A relationship that is suffering from unhealthy boredom is likely to become characterised by periods of silence. Perhaps you go out to dinner together, and you and your partner spend the entire hour scrolling through your phones and do not say one word to each other; or you return home after a day of work and retired to your own room in silence.

Relationships need consistent effort: create free time from your phone or any other devices. Pay attention to each other’s communication.

The general consensus is that boredom can set in anywhere from three months to two years, with many people mentioning the six-month mark as a time when things begin to feel monotonous. The good news? Even if you do feel bored, there are ways to get out of your romantic slump and rediscover the passion and excitement.

Here are a Few tips 

• Make date night a regular thing

• Talk to each other and truly listen to each other

• Explore sexually together. Find new ways together

• Try to make each other important

• Spend good quality time to one another

• And give space to be on your own

If strategies to resolve relationship boredom simply aren’t working, but you’re committed to staying in the relationship, it may be time to seek professional intervention from a couple’s counsellor. In counselling, you can learn strategies for better understanding each other and improving your communication.

If this blog has helped you, or you’d like to know more about how I can help you with a healthy relationship, please send me a message and we can book an initial session.