Relationship and fertility
Last week we talked about addiction and relationships and this week we talk about relationship and fertility.
There’s no denying the fact that infertility can take a major toll on your mental and physical health.
The hormones, the disappointment, the needles and tests all impact your well-being. There is no way to describe the overwhelming pain associated with trying — and failing — to build a new life and new family with your bundle of joy.
But what is less often talked about is the impact infertility can have on the current relationships in your life.
The experience of infertility and IVF can challenge relationships in ways few other experiences can, a fact that is only made worse by the drastic shifts it causes in your existing relationships. Shame, embarrassment, and stigma all have effects. Financial strain, lack of communication, and contradictory coping strategies can all amount to major rifts between you and the loved ones in your life.
Learning to navigate disappointment, stress, fears, and financial pressure together, while at the same time supporting one another, creates enormous pressure on couples. The pressure can hijack relationships and cause tension and misunderstanding, but it can also strengthen relationships and bring couples together. Not surprisingly, it can do both at the same time.
How to navigate the challenging of IVF process
1. Don't isolate yourself.
Not everyone reacts to the trials of infertility the same way. If you and your partner feel the challenges of infertility defiantly, it can be tempting to shut yourself off, which create distance between each other. Sometimes one partner may feel like the other is bouncing back after a disappointment, and you wonder if maybe your partner doesn’t understand what you are going through or if they feel the same emotional pain. Communicate together and share your feeling is the right answer.
2. Keep the romance alive.
Fertility struggles can make sex feel like a chore. In my clinician practice I do hear many times from couple or individual clients, that sex became a chore during the ovulation period, and they feel pressure and loss of excitement.
It is important to keep the relationship in good healthy ways by holding hands, take walks together or cuddle on the couch, for example. The most important things is to make time for the two of you without distractions.
3. Relax together — or apart.
During the process it is important to find the time to de-stress and recharge again, alone or together.
Make time for whatever is restorative to you, doing something together is ideal, but it also helps to find ways to chill out on your own.
4. Be mindful.
The stress this process brings is phenomenal - medical appointments, anxiety, and even shame are associated with infertility.
For couples affected by the tension of infertility there is a need to pay attention to when the stress feels like it’s piling up or starts to feel unmanageable and hit the pause button. This might seem counterintuitive but in fact it might help regroup and bring down stress and other feelings that might be causing your body to tense up and therefore be unable to conceive.
5. Mindfulness.
Mindfulness will help you to recentre and ground yourself, take a deep breath, feel your feet in your shoes. Fell the air on your skin. Put yourself back in the moment, get back to the here-and-now (if you can’t do this on your own ask for professional help to guid you support you).
6. Ask for support.
Every couple is different, and there’s no right or wrong way to surviving infertility. I help couples get back on the same page and work through the emotions they’re experiencing. Even the strongest couples can struggle to stay connected while trying to conceive.
Fortunately, experiencing the trials of infertility together can lead many couples to come out on the other side stronger than ever. Remember that you’ve chosen to do this together, and you’ll get through this together.
Infertility, family, and friendships
A lot of couples suffer through months of infertility and IVF treatments without telling anyone else in their lives. Some may not want to make their parents worry, while others don’t want to disappoint them prematurely when a pregnancy doesn’t stick. To avoid awkward conversations — as well-meaning as they may be— you may feel the need to withdraw from your family.
Some of your friends may still be swiping right on dating websites and buying bottle service, you’re mortgaging your condo for fertility medication, and are fully consumed with your monthly cycle. Yet most people who have never tried to conceive still think that getting pregnant or getting someone else pregnant is as easy as a broken condom or a missed pill. And it may be, for them!
When you are going through the process and none of your friends are aware of your struggle, they might involve you with their pregnancy process, or making you, their godchild. It is uncomfortable more and more for you, which might lead to isolate yourself. If going to a baby shower or children’s birthday party is just too painful for you, it’s okay to decline.
It doesn’t mean you have to completely pull away from that relationship (unless you want to, of course). Decide what’s best for your mental health. Find other ways to connect with people who are not so focused on baby or pregnancy.
For people with very traditional parents, or same-sex couples whose families are struggling with their identity, things like ART or IVF may be seen as morally wrong. This adds another layer of stress if you’re suffering in silence.
Some positive thoughts
Some newer research shows, though, that infertility doesn’t cause relationships to end. https://www.sciencedaily.com A Study titled “Fertility Treatment Does Not Increase the Risk of Divorce” concluded: “We also know that despite all the strain that this infertility can bring, going through ART [Assisted Reproductive Technology like IUI and IVF] can actually bring benefit to a couple’s relationship, because it forces them to improve communication and coping strategies.”
And…
Whether you’ve decided to share your experience, or you’re keeping it between you and your partner, let your support system know the kind of communication you need. They won’t know if you like frequent check-ins or if they should wait for you to reach out to them. Let them know what feels good to you.
Likewise with your partner, if you want them to sit in your sadness with you rather than trying to “fix” the problem, tell them that. Or if you need someone to talk you off a ledge and give you a realistic outlook, ask for what you need. Everyone’s communication style is different. We do not process grief and sadness the same.
If you feel you fit either of these descriptions – infertile, IVF or IUL – or experiencing difficult time due to pregnancy do get in touch for an initial session.