Couples and families during the Christmas and holiday season

Last week we talked about signs of boredom in a relationship and this week we talk about couples and families during the Christmas and holiday season.

We associate the holidays with fun, festivity, peace, and joy. And, being in a good relationship can make the holiday season even more meaningful. After all, there is a stereotype about finding and strengthening love at Christmas.

But that doesn’t tell the whole story for many people. The holiday season can be very stressful and presents unique challenges, even for the strongest of couples. If you’re already struggling, they can make things far worse.

Whether you celebrate Christmas, or another holiday, you will likely encounter several common challenges.

It’s important to be aware of them because in the midst of the shopping, planning, and general stress, you can lose sight of what matters most: the person you love and the relationship you value. And this can lead to unnecessary fights and even break ups.

Christmas can be difficult for anyone, at any point in their life.

You might be struggling this year for the first time. Or you may have found Christmas difficult in the past, and you're dreading it again this year. Here are some things to consider to ease this burden.

• Honesty about finance

Financial issues are one of the top things that cause individual stress and, in relationships, quarrels and problems over the holidays, especially this year where energy (gas & electricity) are very expensive, and that can affect other aspects of expenditure.

Although money plays a significant role in planning for trips and visiting special places or buying new things, money isn’t everything. Letting your family know about your financial position well before Christmas will quickly give them the time to adjust whatever plans they had in mind.

When it comes to Christmas gifts, you don’t have to break the bank to make people happy. You might have a necklace, or a book that your friend always wanted and giving it to him or her could make their Christmas the best one yet. 

• Seasonal depression

As the days get darker and the weather gets colder, it can cause feelings of depression in some people. It is officially called seasonal affective disorder and can be an issue during the holidays.

If winter is causing you or your partner to feel depressed, even mildly, it can create additional struggles, especially if neither of you is willing to discuss it or address it. It can lead to feelings of sadness and even anger that can cause fights and misunderstandings.

If either of you is feeling depressed, be honest with your partner so they don’t personalise your emotions. And, above all, seek help. You shouldn’t have to suffer in silence. You can get into therapy and receive the support of your partner.

Family is a major part of holiday traditions. Friends can be too. You might see relatives and friends around the holidays that you normally wouldn’t. This can lead to fights as you or your partner insist that you don’t want to go to a friend or relative’s house. The key is compromise and communicate, but also boundary setting. If someone is truly toxic, it’s likely best to stay home. But, if you can tolerate a friend or family member, then compromising can be a nice gesture.

• Loss, grieving and loneliness  

If you’ve suffered a loss in your family, loneliness can combine with grief to make Christmas an experience that is endured rather than enjoyed. Even with the support of friends and family around you, feelings of isolation, loneliness, and not wanting to do anything, are natural and entirely normal.

For some, Christmas can be a time of increased isolation. This loneliness can be particularly painful for those who have suffered bereavements, which many people have struggled with as a result of the pandemic.

If you’ve recently lost a loved one, we understand that it’s likely to feel extremely difficult coping with the first festive season without them. Many organisations offer support at Christmas, so finding out what is available in your local area may provide you with a powerful source of support. Volunteering at one of these events might also be a good way of reducing loneliness and giving you a sense of purpose if you’re spending Christmas alone this year.

Develop new Christmas traditions together

Forming new traditions together can help you bond more over the festive period.

• Don’t compete with presents

Competing on the price of Christmas presents can not only mean you may receive fewer personal presents, but it can cause conflict and tension. Remember it’s not about the price of something but how you share affection when giving gifts that counts.

• Try not to overindulge too much at Christmas

Too much drinking, and too much food, both can affect our judgement and performance. 

If you’re planning on some festive bedroom explorations make sure you don’t overeat or drink beforehand so you both can fully enjoy it.

• Share the Christmas tasks

If arranging Christmas feels a bit one-sided see where you can step in more to help. 

Communicate in advance before Christmas, this not only will stop arguments and stress, but it will reduce tiredness, meaning you can put that extra energy towards some extra personal activities later on.

• Don’t get jealous of other couples’ Christmas

It can be easy to look at other couples’ Christmases and feel theirs are better, whilst they may be different, one couple’s Christmas is no better than another’s.

Stepping back and being mindful about you and your partner’s Christmas can help you see that your Christmas is just as good as others.

• Suggest a family walk

There’s nothing like being crammed together around a dining table with one too many shots of cherry kirsch in the mix to fan the flames of family tension. If the temperature starts to get heated in your house, get everyone bundled into their coats for a rousing Christmas ramble.

If nothing else, the change of air will sober you all up, and it’ll introduce a more relaxed vibe. Also, you can avoid unwanted topics more easily on a stroll: simply speed up or if you have dog start throwing sticks.

• Forgive

There isn’t any perfect friend, sibling, or lover out there and there is no better time to forgive than during Christmas.

Forgiveness means letting go of the past and living in the now. Forgiveness is a key part of successful long-term relationships and although forgiveness is often portrayed as a sign of weakness in society, it is quite the opposite. Only the strong mind forgives.

Make it a point of duty this season to:

• Let go of any tension.

• Mindful of here and now.

• Understand the other person’s position.

• Put things into perspective.

Not only will this help in relationship building, it will also allow you to focus your energy on having a more loving and productive Christmas with your partner, friends and family.

And Finally… 

When somebody says something that triggers you, you can either repeat what they say with kindness, for example, “so you’re saying it’s a terrible thing, this political situation” (to your father who has the opposite view on Brexit compared to you), or “you think I should not have done that” (to your elder sister who always seems to criticise your decisions). Don’t react, just let them have their opinion. There’s no need to defend yourself or convince someone else to see things your way.

If you are struggling to cope with the overwhelming emotions surrounding during this Christmas period and holiday season with your bereavement, your family and friends, reach out for support from a professional therapist. You can reach out to me and we can arrange an urgent therapy session.