Score-Keeping
Last week we talked about blame game in relationship and this week we talk about score-keeping.
An unhealthy phenomenon in many long-term intimate relationships is the tendency to keep score. It is not so much keeping score that is the problem, but that when partners do keep score, they tend to unfairly focus on the negative. Rarely in couple therapy, my line of work, do I hear couples delineate all the good, loving, or wonderful things that their partners did in a certain week. Most often, I hear a list of all the things a partner did not do or things he or she did that were insufficient or hurtful.
It's a common relationship trap: to tally up all the ways that you give to your partner, and to tally up all the ways your partner doesn't do the same for you. I'm always the one who takes out the trash, you think, as you take the trash out for the fourth time that month. Why am I always the one getting up with the baby in the middle of the night? You wonder as you sit, exhausted, rocking your little one at 3am. "I'm always the one who initiates sex," you tell a friend over tea.
Here are some negative points.
Tit for tat
If you’re both trying your best to add up what you did, that’s bad. It’s almost like bullying to point out his/her flaws on a daily basis, and it’s completely unnecessary. For example, he makes sure the bills are paid, she says, but I did work and did shopping, cooked, food is ready for us.
Focus on self
When you keep scoring, you think about how you did everything, and he/she didn’t. For example, he goes out early in the morning at 5am to go to work, and she wakes up at 8 am, and does the housework and work in the evening. He might say I go to work early, and I paid for the bills, I painted the house, I made the house nice for you. This statement is focused on self and denying the other half. So, there’s a pretty good chance to upset your partner by repeating the same thing you said last week, or the whole year of a relationship, you hurt her feelings and make her feel inadequate.
You are doing something to get something in return.
If you’re doing something nice to make a point or assert yourself, because you want something in return, then it’s not selfless, and you don’t get to experience the real happiness of being nice to someone you care about.
You are not aware of score points
Your partner had an expectation to call once you wake up, and send kisses in the text messages. You think, ah, I forgot, so it is a ¼ point, but your partner scores it as 5/5 and is very upset and more upset if your score does not match your partner’s score.
Not offering support, yet getting angry.
Sometimes your partner sees you as a very strong and independent person, so her/she doesn’t notice you want him/her to do something for you. For example, you take your laptop for repair, and you hope he/she offers to collect it for you without you asking him/her. This expectation without verbal communication goes to the wrong place and resenting him/her for not offering support. You’re not a mind reader and neither is your partner!
Put Down the Scorebook and Remember, You’re a Team
So, how do you get past this cycle of letting resentment build, and score keeping? It takes effort and a shift in your mindset. You start by recognising the old habits of keeping track of who did what and you remind yourself, and you remind yourself that you’re a team. Remember: each one of you are good at something in the relationship, but not at others. Let them get on with it and show appreciation your partner for doing it/them.
Rather than keeping score, give an explanation, explain why this upsets you, what it means to you, and why you need help. Surprisingly, approaching it this way rather than accusing your partner of being lazy or selfish works better.
Sometimes, the way people grew up in an environment, talking about unmet feelings and needs is never addressed, so they learn to either accept situations or be passively angry. These unhealthy coping mechanisms wouldn’t be helpful if the other partner might not have had similar experiences growing up. If the expected kisses at the end of each text message is too much, then explain the reasons and reassure your partner how important is to you.
Finally, think about this: Why did you and your partner get together in the first place? Mutual attraction, a similar sense of humour, but there was also probably a sense of “we complement each other.” You both bring different strengths and weaknesses to the table. That’s why you work, and that’s why a relationship will likely never be a 50/50 split.