Blame game in relationship
Last week we talked about difficulties of expressing feelings or emotions and this week we talk about blame game in relationship.
The blame games. It can make you feel tiny: like nothing you do is good enough or ever will be. It can break down your sense of trust in your partner and replace it with a growing sense of resentment and anger. And, if it persists for a very long time, constant blame in a relationship can be a symptom of emotional abuse.
It doesn’t feel good to be blamed, and most people fight back: my two young grandchildren always blame each other, and they always fight each other. This dynamic can start at a very early stage of our life, but when we grow up, we need to learn how to tackle this issue in a more “adult” manner. Here are some ways you can do that.
Put yourself in your partner’s place.
When you are blaming your partner for something, imagine how they feel about the situation. Do you want to be blamed for things, even when you did do them?
There’s a good chance that you don’t. So, your partner likely feels the same way. Perhaps there is another way that you can handle the situation besides blaming. You should also think about what is going on in your mate’s life.
Talk about your roles with each other.
Something else you may want to discuss with your partner is what your expectations of each other are. If your roles weren’t fleshed out well at the beginning of the relationship, you should do your best to determine what you want from each other. For example, if you wish to have your own space when you start dating, say this in early stage, so your partner wouldn’t be surprised if you ask for space or don’t want to join them all the time.
Take ownership for the problem.
When you feel criticized, take a few minutes to acknowledge your part of the problem, however small. If “he/she doesn’t do his/her share,” can you acknowledge how bringing it up every day contributes to his/her digging in his/her feet? If he/she “blows up over nothing,” or say I am sorry I did say ( …) this to you, I can understand how it is come across to you, and give your reason for what you said in a kind way.
An apology can be incredibly effective and disarming.
You can look at three different sentences, one of them might lead to an argument. Consider saying something like this: “If that’s how you see it, I can understand why you would be upset. I’m sorry it happened that way.” Using this option, where you can stretch and see your partner’s point of view, the mood softens. There is more room for conversation, feelings, new ideas. And ironically, you’re much more likely to get your way.
You can’t control how your partner reacts.
The easiest way to get stuck playing the blame game is to keep throwing accusations back and forth. While you can't control what your partner says or does, relationship expert Susan Sparks says, you can control yourself. "It's important to remember that we are still individuals, two individuals who together make up one couple," she says. "We still have the right to speak up, move away from a situation that we do not like, or simply leave altogether."
The victim card.
Justifying their blaming behaviour by taking on the role of victim as if they have no choice but to defend themselves against those who are constantly trying to hurt them.
One night, you came home to find your partner drinking whisky after five years of sobriety. Upon confronting him, your partner said, “I drink because I’m alone. My partner leaves me alone at home to fend for myself because he/she’s too busy building his/her career. You’re so selfish, I have no one.”
Twisting your words.
Prevent you from talking by stepping over your words or twisting your words and using them against you. When someone insists you really meant something that isn't what you said. For example: You: “I don't feel like going out tonight.” Them: “Oh, so what you're really saying is you don't like me anymore”. Talk about this and discuss what you or your partner really meant instead of making assumptions that might be wrong.
Let’s look at some points you can work on:
if your partner didn’t call, or didn’t take the bin out, give them the benefit of the doubt: maybe he/she is overloaded with work, or a family member is unwell, or something else. The best way is to check what was the reason for not doing it.
Set more realistic expectations by communicating about the roles in your relationship.
Stop after you heard the blame and think what your contribution into this is.
Say sorry, it will help to soften the conversation and get better results rather than anger or resentment.
Be mindful of your own reaction and how to assert yourself in your relationship.
Stop, and analyses the situation. Is it in your control? if it is not then you address this with your partner.