Sarcasm and put-downs
Last week we talked about empathy in the relationship and this week we talk about sarcasm and put-downs.
Sarcasm is an easy way for us to share our feelings without being confrontational. Buried within many sarcastic remarks is a nugget of truth for the person making the comment. What’s delivered as a joke can hold real feelings that end up causing real pain for the person on the receiving end of the sarcasm. Just because a comment is wrapped up in a joke doesn’t mean it cannot cut another person.
When sarcasm is used with great frequency, trust within a relationship can erode over time. It can grow more and more difficult to decipher which remarks are sarcastic and which aren’t. After a while, people may begin writing off everything you say as being sarcastic, leaving you with little to no credibility when you’re trying to be serious. A pattern of sarcasm might create some laughter, but it doesn’t lay the groundwork for a foundation of trust and vulnerability.
Our partner, family members, and friends should be sources of support, infusing us with life and joy rather than fear and shame. If sarcasm is being used as a method for shaming others, it’s being used maliciously. When a sarcastic comment makes someone else feel a sense of shame, its power is no longer in being funny, but in being harmful.
An occasional sarcastic remark that stings another person might be shaken off easily, but frequent sarcastic remarks that insult, shame, manipulate, or discourage don’t disappear once the sentence is spoken. The harmful words of a sarcastic remark can stick with a person, growing contempt, and dissatisfaction within a relationship. It can take years for a person and a relationship to heal from sarcastic jabs.
Sarcasm can grow the distance between two people, even if they never even leave the same room. It will be increasingly difficult to grow closer to someone else when we rely so heavily on using sarcasm. After all, we are deflecting opportunities to be honest, straightforward, and vulnerable every time we make a sarcastic remark. While some comments might be light-hearted and funny, a habit of using sarcasm will not create an environment in which a healthy relationship will flourish.
Sometimes, a sarcastic remark is defended with phrases such as, “You’re too sensitive?” or “What’s wrong with you, can’t you take a joke?” Such comments sidestep the underlying issue. It’s not that the recipient of the comment is too sensitive; it is that the speaker is not being sensitive enough. It’s not that the listener can’t take a joke; it is that the speaker is disguising hostility beneath the veil of a “joke.”
As one person told me, “His sarcasm makes him feel protected in his cage, but his sarcastic comments alienate everyone. In the end, he is so alone, he just doesn’t want to see it.” Simply put, sarcasm shuts down people, it shuts down safety and it shuts down an intimate connection.
The person accustomed to sarcasm might counter, “Sarcasm doesn’t affect me at all. I like it. It’s funny. It’s great to banter back and forth.” There is some truth to this reasoning, for a person who has become accustomed to sarcasm may have become desensitized to its damaging effects.
The sarcastic person has often learned to communicate harshly to push others away. Indeed, the technique works well to keep others a distance, for no one really feels emotionally safe when a sarcastic person is in the room. In that safety is a critical element for emotional intimacy, sarcasm and other verbally damaging behaviours make true intimacy impossible. When this type of behaviour occurs routinely within a love relationship, the partners will feel distant and disconnected.
In essence, sarcasm is a highly toxic form of verbal aggression. Hostility is often at the root of sarcasm, and its effects are damaging over time. A sarcastic person may be deeply angry, sad, or resentful on an unconscious level. In many cases, unprocessed emotions and damaging patterns stem from childhood wounds and early hurtful relationships. Often lacking awareness, the sarcastic person may use the crude weapon of sarcasm without understanding its damaging effects. Using toxic verbal aggression may be the most tried and true defensive weapon available. Sadly, underneath this brutal, bullying layer is a person who may be unable to understand or even communicate his or her true emotions.
Sharing laughter is such an important part of a healthy relationship. Humour, after all, is what led two people to continue pursuing one another. It’s vital, however, if you find yourself wondering how to detect sarcasm and other forms of toxic communication, here is a helpful, simple test: After you hear a comment, do you feel pushed away by the speaker? Or, if you are the speaker, have you pushed someone else away with your words?
If you feel closer to someone because of their words, it’s most likely that their words were kind and connective in nature, the words created emotional safety. Conversely, if the words were toxic, you might feel unheard, disrespected, and disconnected. The communication created a sense of emotional unsafety.
You can learn to become aware of how the words you use in your relationship can bring your partner closer to you or, when you’re not being kind and aware, how disrespectful words can push your partner further away.
In that communication patterns are learned behaviours, we have the power to change any unhealthy, unwanted behaviours! Moving out of dysfunctional communication patterns takes time, ongoing effort, and a deep commitment to change.