Empathy in the relationship

Last week we talked about improving your listening skills and this week we talk about empathy in the relationship.

Empathy is the understanding of how others feel and being compassionate toward them. In other words, empathy is the awareness and acknowledgment of others’ feelings and emotions.

Empathy means the ability to sense another person’s feelings and emotions even when they don’t talk. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “You’re not alone.” In simple terms, empathy is the ability to share the feelings of another. It is the capacity of being able to put yourself in someone’s shoes and walk a mile. No wonder it is a crucial quality to possess; a lack of empathy in relationships is highly detrimental.

 Types of empathy

There are three kinds of empathy that affect a relationship’s progress:

• Affective empathy: Occurs when an individual can grasp their partner’s emotions and respond in an appropriate manner. For example, a woman observes her husband’s distress, feels concerned and anxious, and brings over a cup of tea to comfort him and to get him to share what he’s feeling. Affective empathy plays a key role in lending emotional support to a loved one.

• Cognitive empathy: Is the ability to see things from the perspective of your partner. For example, understanding their state of mind even in times of disagreement. Cognitive empathy is vital for a rational, yet kind approach to conflicts and rough patches in the relationship.

• Somatic empathy: Is a physiological reaction to your partner’s experience. For example, a boy gets a stress headache because of his girlfriend’s poor health. Somatic empathy is a reflection of the individual’s investment in the bond and the well-being of the partner.

Signs that are recognised as a lack of empathy

• Your feelings are being invalidated 

This is the most obvious sign of lack of empathy in relationships. An individual who is not empathetic will be dismissive of their partner’s feelings. Phrases like ‘you’re being too sensitive’ or ‘don’t overreact, this is nothing’ are put to use. They won’t be willing to investigate or validate the emotions being felt by the other person.

• You’re subjected to constant criticism

It’s almost like your partner is striving for an award of critic of the year. People who lack empathy have a hard time understanding where others come from. They are quick to judge and harsh to criticize. For example: you returned home after a long day of work and made yourself a cup of coffee. Exhausted, you sat on the couch and accidentally spilled some in the process. Your partner instantly chides you for your carelessness without acknowledging your fatigue. Neither do they offer to clean it up for you. In their mind, you made a mistake, and they were right in criticizing you.

• Your partner is not open-minded 

There’s a default setting in their head that makes them think that they’re right all the time. They sincerely believe in the validity of their opinions and decisions. As a result, they might be inflexible in their ways. Your point of view may be noted, but theirs will take precedence in implementation.

• There are deliberate instances of disrespect

This is the lack of empathy meaning you MUST know. Your partner will cross you very knowingly for the most trivial things. For example, you’re a very polite person who believes in thanking people for the most basic job. At a restaurant, your partner will intentionally diss the waiter or snap their fingers at him. This behaviour is an insult to your values and preferences. Such instances reflect a lack of empathy in relationships, as well as hostility from one partner’s end. Maybe your partner isn’t aware that they’re doing this. A calm, respectful conversation about it might help.

• There’s a lack of appreciation

You simply cannot build a healthy relationship without gratitude for what your partner brings to the table. An absence of appreciation could lead to constant arguing and fights. When there is a lack of empathy in relationships, people don’t acknowledge each other’s efforts and sacrifices. 

• Your partner is overreacting

A partner might have difficulty seeing their partner's point of view and dismiss their feelings. Feeling disconnected from the present moment, and not being able to accept reality might be another way this manifest, as well as calling your partner names or screaming at them or completely shutting down. For example: an individual “overreacts” when they face an inconvenience but downplay their partner’s problems. Think back to the last fight you had. Do you remember telling your partner to calm down? Back then, did you think that they were blowing things out of proportion? If yes, then you’re trying to save a relationship when partner lacks empathy.

• Your problems are taken lightly (or you are blamed)

If you ever go to your partner with a problem, their first question probably begins with the words, “Why did you – ?” Because they’ve automatically assumed that the fault is yours; you are wrong in feeling the way you do. Your phone crashes – “Why did you not change the model when I asked you to?” A co-worker provokes you – “Why did you let him get inside your head?” There’s an underlying tone of I told you so in each response. 

• Your partner is emotionally unavailable

An emotionally unavailable partner is often “walled off” or detached from the deeper and uncomfortable emotions. He or she has difficulty recognising, identifying, and discussing a tough feeling. This lack of insight is glaringly apparent during a conflict.

You’ve had a hard day, but you hesitate to tell your partner about it. You try to start a conversation, but they don’t seem to have anything to say or to be listening. When you tell them how you’re feeling, they’re dismissive. These are all qualities that people use to describe an emotionally unavailable partner.

•  There is a lack of accountability

Being accountable in a relationship means acknowledging the effect your behaviours have on your partner and owning how you (or them) contribute to the negative cycle. A relationship is a two-way street. It's never one person's responsibility that the relationship has not worked or is not working. When you hold another person accountable, you are offering an opportunity for relationship repair. If the other person takes in your reality, apologises, and makes amends, it goes a long way toward repairing the relationship, even painful and difficult issues from the past. It is not possible to lead a happy life when your partner is in constant denial about their mistakes. Not only do they refuse to apologise, but they also invalidate the idea of your complaint. Their saying is, ‘what you feel has nothing to do with me.’

Reasons for lack of empathy

There are two reasons behind a lack of empathy; an upbringing where you were brought up without empathy, or an upbringing where you were sheltered excessively. Any childhood that lies on either of these two extremes can shape individuals to become unempathetic. Gender stereotypes also play a role; men who lack empathy today were instructed along the lines of ‘boys don’t cry’ as kids. They are now dysfunctional adults who struggle with relationships.

Many people have walked the road you are on. Lack of empathy in relationships is deeply hurtful to live with. You and your partner can heal together by seeking professional help and emerging stronger. I am here to guide and support you.