Healing after a break-up
Last week we talked about sarcasm and put-downs and this week we talk about healing after a break-up.
Break-ups can be tough - some people feel as though their world has been turned upside down and that things will never be good again and wonder how others can feel relief and happiness. There’s no right or wrong way to feel after a break-up.
It’s OK to feel whatever you’re feeling, lots of people feel similarly after a break-up. Be kind to yourself; it can take time to heal after the loss of a relationship.
Allow yourself time to grieve
You're losing a big part of your life when you break up with someone. Mourning the loss of a relationship can feel much like grieving someone who has passed away. There are various stages of separation - from shock, denial, depression, anger, bargaining, relapse, and acceptance. Time is a healer.
Establishing boundaries
if you want to have a different relationship after you break up with someone, there need to be some clear boundaries.
If it’s at all possible, give yourself time without your ex. It doesn’t have to be forever, obviously, but giving yourself a month or two without seeing or talking to them can help create that clear line between what you once had and what you’re now trying to create. It gives you that separation that can help you (hopefully) avoid relapsing back into old habits.
Protect your heart from social media
Whether you're scrolling through old photos of happier times or hitting refresh on your ex's profile to analyse every update, Facebook and Instagram can be pure poison for the broken-hearted. Though it may be temporarily gratifying to satisfy your curiosity, regarding what they’re up to, it’s best not to look back. No matter what an ego-wounded ex may tell you, it's not unkind to unfollow them; feel free to block them in the name of mental health.
The same goes for their friends and family.
In fact, Facebook research points out that participants who stalk their ex’s profile more ended having a harder time dealing with the break-up.
What to do if you have a lot of mutual friends
Mutual friends will probably want to know what happened after a break-up. It’s generally best to avoid getting into the details. They might get two very different stories, and gossip can become a problem in some situations.
Also, it’s best to avoid asking friends for news of your ex-partner.
Reach out to others for support
You’re going to be missing your ex, but instead of texting them, reach out to others. This can be your family, friends, Elders, and others who can support you. It's OK to want some time to yourself but hanging out with supportive people helps get your mind off things and can help you get a different perspective.
Avoid using alcohol or substances to deal with the pain
Try not to use alcohol and other drugs to deal with the pain. While they might help you feel better at first, the after-effects will leave you feeling much worse.
Change Up Your Physical Space
The more you can decrease your exposure to memories of your ex, the more you minimise your chances of relapse, this can be as simple as changing your sheets and putting away that framed photo of the two of you, or it could be a total redesign of your space. Move around your furniture, simplify the things in your home.
Plan Something Fun — Without Your Ex
Creating new memories without your ex can help you begin to move on. Book a self-care holiday so that you have something to look forward to, something healthy like a yoga retreat, or mindfulness retreat.
Maybe during the relationship, you spent less time reading and have a stack of unread books waiting by your bed. Or perhaps you’ve always wanted to try gardening or knitting. You could even begin learning a new language or make plans for a solo trip.
Finding things to do (and do them) can help distract you from post-breakup grief.
And….
After the immediate pain has passed, look back on your relationship and reflect. Sometimes a break-up is the shake-up needed when you need to redirect your life, breakups are a great time to go inward, to evaluate what lessons are there for you to grow, to evolve, to be more conscious. Pain is an excellent motivator for change and growth. Use the pain as fuel to your fire to create the life and love you desire.
If you need assistance to go through your break-up, seek help and contact me for a counselling session, I have supported many clients to redirect their life after a break-up.