Addiction and relationships
Last week we talked about cheating and different types of cheating in a relationship and this week we talk about addiction and relationships.
Addiction is a significant problem that cannot be ignored. Addiction affects not only a person’s physical and psychological health but also hurts social health. When addicts have poor social health, their ability to create new connections and keep healthy relationships is lost. As a result, addicts lose their self-esteem and happiness in their life.
Most of the time, addicts put their focus on how to get and use their favourite drugs. Sadly, keeping the connection suffers when substance use takes control of the addict’s brain’s pleasure-centre. The euphoric experience they get from using alcohol or drugs makes them put less time and effort into keeping connections.
How addiction can ruin relationships.
There are several tell-tale signs that drinking or drug use by a partner is causing harm to the relationship to the point that help from a treatment professional may be needed. The following are some of the common danger signals often seen in couples in which a partner has a substance use problem:
Typical addict behavior in relationships involves neglecting all their relationships and only spending time with the people who share their addiction. Their sleeping and eating habits will change dramatically and they will often blame it on something else,
Addiction affects intimacy, mistrust, creates a lack of communication regarding the abuse, lack of emotional availability to financial burden, as well as the adverse effects on young children; alcohol abuse in a romantic relationship can have severe effects on both partners, their children, and other family members.
As drinking or drug use gets worse, it starts to take more and more time away from the couple, taking its toll by creating an emotional distance between the partners that is difficult to overcome. These couples fight and argue a great deal, which sometimes can become violent.
Excessive drinking can impact one's personality by changing their moods and emotions. According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), alcoholism can alter one's personality because of its effects on an individual's brain function especially when there is too much alcohol intake.
Many arguments about drinking or drug use, or things related to drinking or drug use, includes things such as money problems, staying out late, not holding down a job, not taking care of responsibilities in the home, and so forth.
On different occasions, having to "cover" for a partner who has been drinking or using drugs too much by making excuses for him or her, such as reporting to a boss or co-worker that the substance user is "sick" and won't be at work as a result.
A partner reporting that he or she drinks or uses drugs to reduce tension or stress related to arguments and fights in the home about alcohol or other drugs.
Drinking and drug use is the only or one of the few things the partners like to do together.
Finding that one or both partners need to be drunk or high to show signs of affection or to talk about the problems in their relationship.
The relationship or family as a whole becomes isolated from friends and relatives to hide the drinking or drug problem.
Lies
Addicts lie because they fear being judged based on their newly acquired habits. The guilt and shame that comes along with addiction makes matters even worse. Addicts think no one is ready to understand and accept their situation. This makes them secretive with their family, friends, and everyone around them.
Addicts start lying about simple things. About where they are frequently located, or who they hang out with, how they spend their money, or why they’re behaving differently, or why some stuff at their home missing.
Enabling an addict
Sometimes loved ones will transition into an enabler when trying to help their loved one recover from substance abuse. Enabling behaviours include:
Accepting blame
Making excuses
Taking on responsibility for the behaviours, feelings, and actions of your addicted loved one
Working hard to minimize their negative consequences
An example of enabling is offering money to the user on a consistent basis that they can use to buy drugs. He or she may ask for money for bills, gas, or groceries, but the money goes to drugs. Often, the loved one provides the money anyway, but they must draw a line to get the attention of a loved one who is addicted to drugs.
Co-dependency
Co-dependency is similar to enabling, but co-dependent individuals often get involved in relationships that are one sided. they may feel overwhelmed by their partners need but have an overwhelming sense to take care of that person.
Co dependant people are:
willing to compromise their own wants, needs, and beliefs to keep their significant other or loved one calm and content
Control others because they don’t think they can function independently without them
Are very cautious and aware of the emotional changes of others
Maintain commitment and loyalty to their loved one despite a lack of reciprocation
A co-dependent person needs the substance abuser as much as the addict needs the co-dependent.
Co-dependent relationships often walk hand in hand with enablement as the caretaker will often try to cover for their addict or resolve their issues instead of allowing the loves one's to face the consequences of their actions.
Not all couples will show these warning signs, but if one of them is present in your marriage or relationship it may be time to consider ways to make the relationship better.
Fixing Relationships After Getting Sober
As you work through the 12 steps of recovery (or other programs), you’ll need to make amends with those who have been harmed by your addiction. This includes addressing what destroys relationships – addictive patterns and habits. When you devote all of your energy to getting your next fix, or when you’re facing personality changes at the hands of withdrawals or intoxication, your loved ones suffer just as much as you do. Part of recovering is fixing these damaged relationships to the best of your ability.
To fix relationships after getting sober, follow some tips:
Understand that nobody owes you acceptance of an apology
If you do apologise to those you have hurt, be sincere in your apologies
Offer actionable steps on how you will remedy the hurtful actions or behaviours.
Start slow, the relationship will not get back to where it used to be overnight
Continue working on yourself, you cannot fix your relationship with others until you fix your problem
Being married to an addict can be a lonely and complicated journey. Often, partners in this situation face a double-edged sword. You may feel torn between being stern about treatment and showing the addict unconditional support. Addiction ruins marriages sometimes quickly, or sometimes slowly but surely. It is important not to push your needs aside and accept harmful behaviours because you love that person. Substance abuse can take substantial time away from your marriage as addiction causes the addict to prioritize the “high.”
This cycle of behaviour can create a heavy distance between you and your partner that may feel overwhelming. Another tragic effect of addiction is the risk of abuse. You may find yourself constantly arguing with the addict, which can become violent for some couples. You may end up feeling resentful of the person you married. Remember, addiction is a disease that influences every aspect of an individual’s life.
If you feel you fit either of these descriptions – addict, enabler, co-dependent – or experiencing hardship due to addiction, do get in touch for an initial session.