Parenting style in your relationship
Last week we talked about chronic isolation and loneliness and this week we talk about parenting style in your relationship.
Most couples have experienced this situation at one time or another—you think you should discipline your child a certain way, and your spouse or co-parent wants to handle it differently. You each become entrenched in your position. And what started as a problem between you and your child quickly evolves into a problem between you and your spouse. You are no longer parenting as a team.
At some point, most couples will disagree and argue over how to discipline their children. After all, you and your spouse are different people who will naturally approach parenting differently at times - maybe more often than you’d like. Disagreement in any marriage is to be expected, especially over raising your kids.
Kids know when their parents aren’t unified in their decisions about discipline. And their lack of unity creates anxiety for these kids because they are unsure of the rules and what matters and what doesn’t. And this anxiety contributes to further behaviour issues.
Frequently, kids learn to get off the hook for a behaviour problem by playing one parent off on the other. Kids figure out very quickly that when their parents are fighting with each other, the focus is no longer on them.
Parents Need to Back Each Other Up
Make it a rule that if one parent disciplines a child, the other parent must back it up, even if the other parent disagrees with the punishment. You and your spouse need to present yourselves as a unified team to your child, or it will undermine your authority as parents. Later, when things are calm, and you’re out of earshot of your child, you and your spouse can discuss alternate ways of handling things.
Try to understand your partner’s feeling about an Issue
If you and your partner disagree on an issue and you can’t seem to find a compromise, then try to defer to the parent who feels more strongly about it.
For example: that you are ok with sending your 12 years old child to a school trip in abroad, but your partner opposes it because of a fear of flight, or fear of an accident, or not trusting the school for taking care of all the children in the school trip. But if you are still adamant about your position, you might say:
“I feel so strongly about this. I’d like you to support me on this, even if you don’t see it the same way.”
If your partner is the one who seems most adamant, try to accommodate his or her position.
Remember, the goal isn’t to get things your way one hundred percent of the time. The goal is to parent your child effectively and, at the same time, maintain a healthy relationship with your partner.
Show compassion to your child and to your partner as well
If your partner feels more strongly about something and you’ve decided to go along with their decision, you can say this to your child:
“I understand that you see yourself ready to go to trip school, but we agreed with your Mum/Dad that it’s not going to happen on this occasion.”
You’re empathising with your child’s feelings, but not breaking the unified stance. When you show empathy, your child also feels he/she understood and is not going to feel so alone. Nevertheless, your child still must go along with the decision you’ve made with your partner.
The focus of your attention turns to a fight over which parent is right or wrong
Fighting is not good to use if parents want a good education for their child. For example, dad says he should do his homework and focus on his maths, the child might say he hate math and hate his math’s teacher, immediately, your child looks to you for help and, you jump in and say, “Leave him alone—he’s doing fine.”
Your partner replies, “If he were doing fine, he would have gotten a better grade.”
Now the fight is ramping up. You respond with, “You’re too strict—that’s why he’s like this. You’re too hard on him.” Meanwhile, as the fight goes on, your child has his head buried in his phone and doesn’t do the homework he was supposed to do.
Make parenting decisions when both are calm
This may come as a shock, but in this moment, one of the most powerful parenting strategies is: calm yourself first. Focus on getting your own feelings under control. When you are calm and can listen to one another’s perspective without being overly critical or attacking, it will bear the best results for the whole family.
Being calm makes it is easier for you to discuss things with respect. And respect helps you find common ground because respect makes it easier for you to understand each other.
If you find that having different parenting styles is causing problems in your relationship, you might find the following tips useful:
Talk about parenting disagreements.
Acknowledge your partner's point of view.
Listen to your partner's suggestions and find valid points.
Explain your reasons and why they're important to you.
Remind yourselves you have the same intentions.
Come up with new solutions.
Spend quality time together.