Couples and conflicts about finances

Last week we talked about parenting style in your relationship and this week we talk about couples and conflicts about finances.

Love puts no limits on topics for conversation—but if you’re constantly fighting over money, it’s not something you want to bring up.

Money is the number one issue couples fight about, and it’s consistently a leading cause of split or divorce. Therefore, working through your money issues in a healthy way is more valuable than the money itself.  

For a lot of couples, money fights aren’t just a small bump in the road. They can become a major roadblock. The reality is that fighting over money isn’t just holding you back financially. It trickles down to all aspects of your relationship and your life.

Having Joint Accounts Before You’re Ready 

If you’re 100 percent sure that both parties are comfortable sharing expenses or seeing how each parties saves, spends and so on, then joint accounts can be just fine. Also, if neither one of you has a problem determining who gets what “share” when each person is earning a different amount of income, you could go ahead and open joint accounts and not experience any real conflict.

However, it’s perfectly okay to have separate accounts and manage your money independently. You could also have both: a separate account and a joint account. Even if you’re splitting the bills 50/50, you could both write checks separately for various bills, and still have your own individual and joint financial goals.

You’ll each still be contributing to the household but would have more control over your own finances. Maintaining such independence isn’t about trying to have power. Rather it’s about keeping financial conflicts in the relationship to a minimum and learning how to effectively manage money on your own.

Set up separate bank accounts. Keep the joint account for household expenses and set up separate accounts where you each have the same amount to spend on discretionary purchases. You’ll both have more freedom, and the arrangement can work out well, unless you're hiding secrets.

Financial Infidelity

Financial infidelity is when couples with combined finances lie to each other about money. Examples of financial infidelity can include hiding existing debts, excessive expenditures without notifying the other partner, and lying about the use of money.

It's easy in this age of online bill pay and free-flowing credit card offers to hide mounting debt. Every card issuer offers the option to have bills sent over email rather than the postal service, so spouses won't see the monthly statements. From there, people who have trouble managing money can amass tens of thousands of pounds of debt without their partner ever knowing, at least for a time.

Excessive spending on gifts, trips, or gambling with unexplained withdrawals from joint accounts is a classic sign of financial infidelity. Larger than normal cash withdrawals or checks made out to cash may be another sign. 

Defensiveness or stonewalling when one partner raises the subject of money is common among couples struggling with financial infidelity. The list goes on, from hidden income to secret shopping and trips to casinos, to hiding bank statements and cutting a partner from joint accounts.

Communication is key, talk to each other about any finance issues you might or might not have, honesty is a key and very important in a relationship.

Investing in appearance more than in the relationship  

While material goods can occasionally enhance your lifestyle, focusing too much on what you’re buying or trying to compete with other couples will take away from your relationship.

Spending so much time and energy to appear rich and wealthy can kill the energy you need for your relationship.

Avoid becoming so materialistic that you ignore what your partner really needs and wants. If you want your relationship to survive, material goods should be just a part of your life and not the focus.

Attempting to Change Your Partner’s Money Personality

Everyone has their own money personality, a set of habits or concepts about money that guide their purchasing decisions, dictate how much and when they save, and determine their spending comfort level.

Accept each other's differences. There may be some differences you don't like, but if you love your partner, you shouldn't try to change him or her to be more like you.

That doesn't mean you have to accept everything you don't like. For instance, your wife might want to take an expensive family holiday every year, one you feel you can't afford. Or maybe your husband loves "Guitars" and collects all expensive guitars.

Trying to come up with a compromise where less money goes toward the holidays, or the "Guitars". But telling a partner that a family Holiday isn't important, or that "Guitar" is a stupid thing to spend money on would mean you're the unreasonable one.

Plan on getting to the root of “why” your spouse feels the way he or she does about money. Learn to listen a lot more and judge a lot less. And then create a plan that’s helps you both achieve individual and shared goals so that each person can feel comfortable about their own spending and saving strategies, as well as what you do jointly within the household.

Avoiding talking about money and planning

The “money talk” needs to happen – and consistently – if you want your relationship to work. Avoiding the subject altogether usually leads to financial disaster and can risk your financial situation and your union.

Surprisingly, though, most people don’t have a “money talk” until after they move in together or get married – or at least not until they begin doing wedding planning.

You both need to be prepared to talk about any current or potential money issues, such as credit issues, debt, the financial impact of having kids, or even what to do with family members who might ask for money.

One of you is manging the finances

When couples first live together, they negotiate over who does what, from DIY to buying birthday gifts. Typically, women are great are managing the day-to-day/household finances but aren’t so good at prioritising (or finding time for) the long-term financial planning.

Have a financial date night; Communication is key to any relationship and regular open discussions about your finances is no exception. Though it might not sound glamourous, it’s worth setting aside time to have a financial date night where you can discuss anything from your future goals together, property plans, starting a family, or even your next holiday. Doing so helps to ensure you’re on the same page to help you reach your goals together and avoid any surprises down the line.

There's a gap between your salaries

If you have separate accounts, you’ll probably have to negotiate how much each of you pays towards expenses. If there’s a significant difference between your earnings, you may need to come to an agreement to pay an amount proportionate to your salaries.

If your partner insists on splitting household bills 50:50, even though you earn less, point out what it means for your finances and how they’d feel if the situation was reversed. Being able to compromise in this area is important.

Sometimes, the person earning the most money will want the bigger say over the finances but living together or being in a committed relationship isn’t the same as having a shareholding in a company! You’re equal partners – or should be – and that includes how you spend your money.

If you need assistance to go through your couple issue, seek help and contact me for a counselling session, I have supported many couples to redirect their life after life crisis.