Feeling safe in a relationship
Last week we talked about change to life goals when in a relationship and this week we talk about feeling safe in a relationship.
A sense of safety in a relationship is the foundation that creates the ability to connect, to be intimate, to relax into the sense of oneness that a mutual affinity and healthy attachment can foster.
When couples come for couples counselling, the most common concern they share with me is their struggle around communication. Most couples say that if their communication was better, they could work through problems that arise in their relationship on their own. I do agree with this assessment, but also believe there’s one more important layer that needs to be in place for good communication to occur. This foundational element is emotional safety. Emotional safety is the feeling of trusting your partner with your emotional well-being. It means that you believe your partner cares about your own emotional experience and vice versa. Emotional safety means that we feel comfortable sharing with our partner our hopes, fears, vulnerabilities, and pain, because we trust that our partner will tend to these emotions with warmth and concern.
What are the benefits of an emotionally safe relationship?
When you find yourself in an emotionally safe relationship, chances are you’ll experience many advantages as a result. Benefits of emotionally safe relationships include:
You feel valued and valuable.
You can truly be yourself without the risk of judgment.
You can show your weaknesses without being taken advantage of.
You can share boldly and express yourself freely.
You feel seen, heard, and understood.
More importantly, an emotionally safe relationship creates a stronger connection.
Few ways to create emotional safety in your relationship
Respecting boundaries and consent
Setting and respecting boundaries can increase safety and security in a relationship by establishing personal limits.
Boundaries can be physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, or financial — all critical to nurturing respect in a healthy relationship. Once you set a boundary, it’s crucial that you and your partner respect it. Some examples of boundaries that promote emotional safety are:
honouring what is important to you
sharing personal information gradually
protecting your time by not overcommitting
asking for space when you need alone time
communicating your comfort level on intimacy
Pay attention to Nonverbal communication
Nonverbal communication plays a significant role in our lives, as it can improve a person's ability to relate, engage, and establish meaningful interactions in everyday life. A better understanding of this type of communication may lead people to develop stronger relationships with others, especially romantic relationships.
Be an active listener
A way to improve your listening skills is to practice "active listening." This is where you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, the complete message being communicated.
Active listening builds strong relationships and, while it may not come naturally to many of us, it's an invaluable communication skill. Becoming an excellent listener will take determination and practice and it will be well worth it in both your professional and personal life.
Examples of Active Listening Techniques
Demonstrating concern. Paraphrasing to show understanding. Using nonverbal cues that show understanding such as nodding, eye contact, and leaning forward. Brief verbal affirmations like “I see,” “I know,” “Sure,” “Thank you,” or “I understand”.Asking your partner questions or asking for clarification.
Summarizing or reflecting of what was said.
Practice transparency
Transparency is the practice of being open and honest with others, no matter how challenging it might be. For both personal and professional relationships to thrive, you need to eliminate the stigma that comes with being straightforward. Being transparent within a relationship is about sharing our thoughts and feelings honestly, without fear of judgement or repercussion.
Some tips for transparency
Start with a mutual understanding.
Give your partner priority.
Have obvious and open accounts.
Talk about everything, even it is simple.
Transparency is an important part of building trust and emotional safety. When you practice transparency, you eliminate the potential feeling that you or your partner are hiding something from each other.
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt
Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt means removing judgment and, instead, being curious to learn about the motivation for their behaviour.
When we stop judging and making up stories of why our partner did what they did, we begin to look at them favourably from a place of compassion and understanding, we may disagree with them, but we can at least create a safe environment without confrontation.
Foster accountability and follow through
When you commit to something and follow through, you actively build trust by showing your partner your loyalty. Yet following through doesn’t have to happen overnight.
To hold oneself accountable means to own one's feelings and take responsibility for one's contribution to the relationship – good and bad. If both people are accountable, one would work at changing their behaviour, and the other would work at managing their feelings better.
A mental health professional’s perspective can help people in relationships build emotional safety by focusing on dealing with conflict rather than focusing on the conflict itself.
As a couple therapist I fosters emotional safety by helping couples understand how they work together as a system. when I work with couples, I’m less interested in the content of what they are fighting about than the process of how they fight.
If this blog has helped you, or you’d like to know more about how I can help you with shared life goals, please send me a message and we can book an initial session.