Adjusting from being couple to become Parents
Last week we talked about feeling safe in a relationship and this week we talk about adjusting from being couple to become parents.
How will adding a child to your family change your relationship with your partner? The arrival of a child is so full of many emotions: love, excitement, fear, anxiety and self-doubt. Your relationship with your partner may be the last thing on your mind, but it shouldn’t be! No matter how long you and your partner have been together, adding a baby to the mix will have the potential to change your relationship. Making the effort to work on the new relationship will allow you both to create an even stronger family bond. I’ve got some tips on adjusting from being a couple to being parents to help you maintain a healthy and lasting relationship with your significant other.
The transition to becoming a family for some couples can seem unspoiled, while for others adding a child can create some powerful feelings never encountered in your relationship before. You may each see a side of each other you have never seen before- often moments at your absolute worst! This new territory arises from the exhaustion and responsibility that comes with being a new parent. You may be at your most sleep deprived, short fused and overwhelmed… all while feeling the most in love you’ve ever felt for your new family! The adjustment can be trying on a relationship, but not unmanageable.
This small, new person in your life is about to really change your life.
Becoming a new parent basically means that people are going to bother you all day long, whether it's with too many visits to the maternity ward or an endless stream of unsolicited advice. Your own family, strangers, even the media -- everyone has an opinion on how you should be parenting your child.
If you listen to all of it, you'll be so busy second-guessing yourself that you'll go nuts. Nod and thank the person for his or her thoughts before changing the subject -- and try to remember that people just want to help.
RESPONSIBILITY IS SHARED
Falling into roles as new parents may come for some couples naturally, as both parents take on the family responsibilities. But for some couples, sharing the responsibilities ‘evenly’ may not come so naturally. It is easy to fall into our traditional roles and feel overwhelmed with all the duties that come with those roles. As moms especially, we want to be the one who can soothe our baby when they are crying, or we may feel like we must do everything because we just know how to do it all. Often, we are home alone the majority of the time, and we figure out how to do everything by ourselves because we have to.
Talk to your partner. If you don’t feel like your partner is doing their share, talk to them about what you feel they can be doing to help.
Ask for help.
Make the effort to maintain your relationship
It is too easy to be so busy being parents that you forget to be a couple! Yes, your relationship has changed forever, but that doesn’t mean you can’t maintain your own bond as a couple. Being a parent means that your relationship as a couple will require more effort.
It is important to take the time to make this effort. Our children are our lives, but they will grow up and make their own lives and we want our partners to still be with us to grow old with. That is why you chose to be with them in the first place, isn’t it?
Squeeze out time together. This can be taking advantage of grandparents’ offer to babysit and getting out of the house-whether it’s a night out or just an hour to workout, or even just planning an evening together at home when baby goes to sleep.
Keep lines of communication open. It can be easy to let this one go. You’re tired, you may be overwhelmed or maybe even angry at your partner but talking about things is important to keep your relationship healthy.
Take care of yourself.
A woman who's just given birth is carrying around extra weight and sore breasts. A new father may have zombielike rings under his eyes. And undoubtedly, one day you will walk around all day long before noticing that you have baby spit-up all down the back of your shirt or a rainbow sticker on the seat of your pants.
When you become a parent, you don't have as much time for the stuff you used to do -- workouts at the gym, haircuts, shopping. There's a moment for every parent when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and wonder where the old you went.
It's important not to forget about taking care of yourself. If you're so stressed out and run-down that you get sick, you're not doing anyone any good. Take advantage of a relative, friend or babysitter to help out and make sure to do the things that make you feel refreshed -- an hour reading in the park, a pedicure, a good racquetball game. Even if it's just a 15-minute walk, you need to do something that reminds you that in addition to being a parent, you're a person with your own needs.
Remember that taking care of your own needs is not selfish or a sign of weakness. In fact, taking care of yourself will help you be physically and emotionally ready to face each day and care for your baby. If you have a partner, close friends, or supportive family members nearby, ask them for their help with housework, grocery shopping, preparing meals, or watching the baby so you can have some time to yourself. If you feel yourself getting stressed and can’t find anyone to give you a break in that moment, take some deep breaths and tell yourself positive thoughts, such as, “I’m doing the best I can. I will get through this.”
Develop daily routines.
When babies are very young, parents’ everyday lives revolve around meeting their infants’ needs. In the beginning, it can be difficult for new parents to understand their babies’ cries or to predict when and how long their babies will sleep or stay dry between diaper changes. If this sounds familiar, try keeping track of your baby’s activities for a while. Notice when he/she cries and what calms him /her down (feeding, sleeping, being held, or rocked, new diaper), when he sleeps and for how long, and how he/she responds to hearing you talk, read or sing to him/her. After a while, you’re likely to notice patterns that will help you create daily routines for feeding, sleeping, diaper changes, and playtime. The predictability of these routines will make everyday life easier for you and your baby.
There are NO Rules!
There really are no rules when it comes to parenting your child while maintaining a healthy relationship. Both partners must want to make the relationship work and both must try. Sometimes, taking care of ourselves first is the best place to start since parenting often takes us away from self-care. But that is a whole other discussion!
Find a way to work with families teaching them how to help your child/ren get the sleep they need. Routine and how to start to set sleep habits would help family get some much-needed rest. Sleep deprivation can change anyone for the worse, so getting back to good sleep patterns can be a huge help in maintaining a healthy relationship.
Talk to someone about your feelings.
You might even have negative feelings about your new child. That's OK, and it's normal. You're tired. You haven't had an adult conversation or a real date in what feels like ages. The fantasy of having a new baby probably isn't quite matching up to real life, especially when you realize you just got poop on your hand.
If you're a biological parent or an adoptive or a foster parent, you might have times when you worry that your child won't love you or you question your own parenting - am I going to be a good dad/mum?
It’s common to feel sad, lonely, anxious, or overwhelmed after having a baby. Sometimes, talking to someone who will listen without judging is all that parents need. Other times, parents feel so sad, lonely, anxious, or overwhelmed that they have a hard time getting out of bed, leaving the house, or getting through the day. If this sounds familiar, talk to your health care provider so that you can be connected to a counsellor or other professional who can provide support and services that will be most helpful to you.
Final Thoughts:
It takes time to adjust to parenthood. If you’re feeling sad, lonely, anxious, or overwhelmed, reach out to someone who can offer practical help and emotional support.