Change to life goals when in a relationship
Last week we talked about couples and conflicts about finances and this week we talk about change to life goals when in a relationship.
What do you do if the root of every argument with your partner leads to one issue: you both fundamentally want different things? Having different life goals can lead to disagreements and may even leave you wondering if the relationship will work at all. There are three key aspects to a relationship, each partner’s satisfaction within themselves and then the satisfaction with the two partners together. If a partner is unsatisfied with life individually, it will ultimately impact the relationship and even their partner. Let’s talk about how to manage when partners have different life goals that can get complicated to manage within a relationship.
Changes through life
If you are in a long term, committed relationship, know that your goals and priorities will be dramatically different at 50 than when you were 20. Give yourself and your partner permission to change and grow. Treat your partner with kindness and encouragement if they change their goals even if it may cause conflict. Remember that they will support you if you want to make changes as well. When your priority is not only your relationship but the well-being of yourself and your partner, this will become easier to accept.
Different life goals
For new relationships, talking about life goals and priorities is important. It is important to do this early in the relationship, as it is ultimately easier to walk away from a relationship early. Talking about career goals, family values, and financial priorities early in a relationship can help you guide whether a couple wants to commit long term. If he wants a large family but she doesn’t want to have kids, or if she has a career that moves often and he wants to put down roots, then a tough conversation needs to be had about how these differences will work in the context of a relationship. It is common to want to “impress” your partner in the early phases but think about being true to yourself. If you are not true to yourself, then you will ultimately not be happy in that relationship.
Making a choice of sacrifices
When tough decisions need to be made, it can be helpful to view the solution as you both can simultaneously work towards your goals, and you simply have to get creative about a way to make it work. Sometimes we approach big decisions as either your partner or you get to reach your goal, so someone might have to give up or delay their dreams. The reality is that sometimes sacrifices from one partner may need to be made to help the other reach their goals. It can be helpful to talk through this option and make plans for the partner making sacrifices to be able to make a move towards their goal. It is easier to put your goal on the back burner for a season when you know that your partner is going to do the same for you in the foreseeable future.
Schedule Annual Planning Dates
The science behind planning your goals as a couple reinforces the idea that many couples have discovered on their own: planning together can be sexy.
It’s not just about planning for retirement, either. You can set goals together for…
Your relationship
Parenting / your kids
Your careers and interests
Your physical and mental health and fitness
Your financial wellness
This might not sound like the most romantic way to be together. But if you’re actively involving your spouse in planning for a better future together, this can be very romantic.
Planning together is a powerful way to strengthen your bond as a couple. So put a date on the calendar, make sure you don’t have interruptions, and spend a few hours on your annual relationship review.
Support One Another’s Goals
As important as it is to create a couple bubble in your relationship, you are two individuals who have goals and dreams of your own. Having your own goals and dreams doesn’t undermine your connection as a couple.
On the contrary, it should enhance your relationship, as each partner has something unique and interesting to bring to the relationship.
Both of you should feel that the most important person in your life — your spouse or partner — supports and admires your goals and wants to celebrate your achievements.
Make it a goal to discuss your individual goals and dreams and how you can make those goals happen with each other.
Communicate with Kindness
Couples goal setting must include the ways you communicate together. But have you ever noticed how couples can speak to each other with such cruelty and unkindness?
They say things to each other that they’d never dream of saying to a casual acquaintance or even someone they don’t like.
When we feel hurt, angry, or frustrated, it’s so easy to lash out and say hurtful things. Sometimes we employ passive-aggressive words and behaviours, using subtle digs, manipulation, or stonewalling to express how we feel.
Both overt and covert words and behaviours like these are deeply wounding, and over time they accumulate enough to cause serious problems in a relationship. You lose trust, mutual respect, and eventually love.
Make it a goal to be kind in all your communication. Being kind doesn’t mean you have to agree with each other or even feel loving during a challenging moment.
It does mean you agree to avoid attacking, insulting, or intentionally wounding each other. It means you speak forthrightly without using passive or manipulative behaviours.
It means you step away or count to ten when you feel like lashing out, knowing that you don’t want to say or do something you’ll later regret.
We are all human, and of course, there will be times you fall short of your kindness goal. But make it a goal to apologise quickly, offer forgiveness quickly, and reset your kindness goal as soon as possible.
Include your partner in your work process
Examples would be to update him on things I’m working on, sharing of my latest blog, and getting feedback. My main intent is to involve him in this intimate part of my life (my passion to help others’ well-being), which would naturally bring us closer together (and grow the relationship in the process). Furthermore, hearing his input (when he has thoughts to share) lets me understand him better (which again, grows the relationship) and helps me consider perspectives which I may not have considered before (hence helping me grow in my work).
If this blog has helped you, or you’d like to know more about how I can help you with shared life goals, please send me a message and we can book an initial session.