Couples and the Vagus Nerve (Polyvagal Theory)
Last week we talked about couples and families during the Christmas and holiday season and this week we talk about couples and the Vagus Nerve (Polyvagal Theory).
Polyvagal theory takes its name from the vagus nerve, a cranial nerve that forms the primary component of the parasympathetic nervous system. The traditional view of the autonomic nervous system presents a two-part system: the sympathetic nervous system, which is more activating (“fight or flight”), and the parasympathetic nervous system, which supports health, growth, and restoration (“rest and digest”). Polyvagal theory identifies a third type of nervous system response – the ‘social engagement system,’ a hybrid state of activation and calming that plays a role in our ability to socially engage (or not).
Imagine something similar to a tree, whose limbs interact with nearly every organ system in the body.
The vagus nerve is the longest nerve in the body, stretching from your brain to your large intestine. The word ‘vagus’ comes from Latin and means wandering, describing the way this nerve wanders through the body, connecting the brain stem to organs and cells, allowing communication to flow
The vagus nerve picks up information about how the organs are functioning and also sends information from the brain stem back to the body, helping to control digestion, heart rate, voice, mood, and the immune system.
For those reasons, the vagus nerve — the longest of the 12 cranial nerves — is sometimes referred to as an “information superhighway.”
The vagus is the main nerve of the parasympathetic nervous system. Unlike the sympathetic nervous system, which is associated with the body’s “fight or flight” response, the parasympathetic branch helps us rest, digest and calm down.
Scientists first began examining the vagus nerve in the late 1800s to investigate whether stimulating it could be a potential treatment for epilepsy. They later discovered that a side effect of activating the nerve was an improvement in mood. Today, researchers are examining how the nerve can affect psychiatric disorders, among other conditions.
To really understand this nerve in relation to couples relationships we can look at The Polyvagal theory, established by Stephen Porges in 1994 www.stephenporges.com. This theory explores the vagus nerve in relation to evolution, emotions, and fear response. It gives insight into the vagus nerve that is 80% sensory and deeply entwined with our past and present experiences, with information being sent and received, mostly from the organs/tissues and into the brain.
According to Polyvagal Theory, the vagus nerve has different responses to threat that have evolved over time. The ventral vagal state is the ideal state, where we are able to heal through social connection and is essentially about feeling safe. For example, we adapt to the threat by finding comfort in someone’s facial expression or body language. This is a healing state called parasympathetic and the goal of therapy is to support a person to live in this state most of the time.
If we cannot achieve this, we will enter a fight or flight response where the Vagus nerve enters a protective function because we feel unsafe, a sympathetic state. We might get defensive or aggressive. Finally, if this doesn’t get the achieved sense of enough safety, we will enter a complete shutdown response. Healing and restoration cannot occur in these sympathetic states. All of these are valid survival responses to perceived threat that have been learnt.
How It Can Help Relationships
Couples experience the social engagement system when each person’s vagus nerve allows them to verbally and physically interact without feeling emotionally activated. It can be important for couples to identify what they individually need to feel safe physically, sexually, and emotionally, in order to best function within their relationship. While arguments are normal for couples in moderation, when fights result in yelling and insults, the fight or flight response has been activated.
Safety is of vital importance for relationships to successfully and securely function. In terms of the vagus nerve’s role in relationships, the vagus nerve prompts the muscles of the face and neck. This means that one can sense how their partner is feeling based on the facial expressions they are witnessing and vice versa. If partners are unable to read each others’ facial expressions, listening for tone can be another indicator if a partner feels safe enough to engage in contact. If one feels an aggressive or agitated tone, it can be beneficial to communicate that they feel unsafe and wait a bit before they continue any emotional conversations.
The goal is to relax your vagus nerve via relaxation techniques like: Meditation, which may include humming meditation. Exercise: consider cardio, high-intensity weight training, and daily walking. Socialising: get some laughter back into your life! Singing and Chanting: alone or with others.
What To Do If Your Partner Shuts Down?
Individuals who are starting to withdraw need to be woken up and then calmed:
Try a few of the following strategies next time your notice your partner leaving the conversation before it’s over:
Say something along the lines of, “I see this is causing some uncomfortable feeling, I’m going to back off for a moment, but I’m right here”.
Lower your voice and talk more slowly. The vagus nerve helps filter noise out of the inner ear so your partner can focus on just your voice.
Ask your partner what they might be feeling and be patient while they take the time to think. Don’t demand engagement.
Engage in conscious breathing with your partner, emphasising the exhale.
What To Do If Your Partner Is Amped Up?
When an individual is hyper aroused it becomes nearly impossible to have full executive functioning (brain power) and engage in a meaningful conversation. Try these strategies to help bring your partner back down:
Try putting your foreheads together and taking 6 deep breaths, emphasising the exhale (yes, this strategy works for bringing someone up and down!)
Say something like, “I can see you’re really stressed huh?”. Name the emotion and wait, recognise they are feeling threatened.
Lower your voice, remember the vagus nerve is connected to your vocal cords too.
Rub the side of your neck and encourage your partner to do the same. The vagus nerve is stimulated by massaging certain parts of the body including the carotid sinus on the right side of your neck.
Polyvagal theory is gaining more evidence to support individual clients and couples. Understanding human response is a way for people to lower sympathetic stress sates and working with a trauma informed practitioner is even better for sustainable vagus tone and health. We can use these therapeutic techniques for ourselves and for others. After all, we all deserve to feel safe and able to live a full life.
If you are struggling to cope with the overwhelming emotions during conversations or disagreeing with your partner, your family, and friends, reach out for support from a professional therapist. You can reach out to me, and we can arrange a therapy session.