Couples in Blended Families and relationships

Last week we talked about couples and the Vagus Nerve (Polyvagal Theory) and this week we talk about couples in blended families and relationships.

A blended family is when a couple makes a new life together that will include children from one, or both, of their previous relationship.

Many remarriages create blended families. The children involved are thrust into a world of “steps” stepmothers, stepfathers, stepsiblings, step-grandparents.

Of course, becoming a stepfamily isn't always easy. Bringing two families together under one roof can be quite challenging. Even for the most prepared, growing pains will likely occur when two families merge.

Don’t expect your families to meld together overnight, it can take one to two years for blended families to adjust to the changes. But parents who are proactive in reducing and addressing potential problems can make the adjustment period smoother. Learn more about how to create a successful blended family and solve common problems some blended families experience.

Some common challenges for couples in blended families include:

• Becoming a new parent in a blended family.

Some adults enter a blended family with no children of their own. They will take on the parental role for the first time as stepparents. Getting used to this new role can cause even more stress. This can be difficult for someone entering a new relationship. It can be hard to balance being liked by a stepchild and parenting them well. It often takes time to adjust to parenthood. It can also take time to gain acceptance from a partner's children.

• Relationships between ex-partners and stepparents.

When old relationships end, people may choose to move on and focus on their new partner. This can mean they stop communicating with their ex-partner. But this is often more complicated when children are involved. Children may wish to stay close to both of their biological (or first) parents. A court-ordered parenting plan could require the child to spend time with each parent. This can mean the remarried parent must continue speaking with their ex. In blended families, the ex may be called the non-residential parent.  

Some people feel threatened by their partner’s contact with their ex. Other times, the non-residential parent feels the stepparent is not treating their children fairly. Any of these situations can increase tension in a blended family. Strained relationships can make the adjustment more difficult. 

• Relationships between children and stepparents.

Children may struggle with feelings about a new stepparent. They might be used to treating their parent's partner as a friend. Becoming a blended family can change this dynamic. 

• Build a Friendship.

It isn't unusual for a stepparent to accept the role of being a friend to his stepchild. That’s a good start but realise that if the child has been through a divorce, he may feel as though he is being disloyal to the other parent if he admits to liking you. So be patient and take it slow — building a strong foundation based on friendship is the first step to gaining a stepchild’s trust

• Give Them Some Space.

One-on-one time is essential — not with you and your stepchild, but between the child and his biological parent. Allow them to go on outings alone together or have special time together at home.

• Share Their Enthusiasm.

Take an interest in your stepchild’s hobbies and passions. If he enjoys art, ask if you can see some of his/her work. If he/she plays guitar, ask him/her how long he/she is been playing and what his favourite song is to play and so on.

• Recognize Everyone's Role.

Respect the other parent. Even if you can’t stand the other parent, never let the child see that. When he/she wants to tell you about his/her mom, smile and listen without judgment. Remember, your stepchild loves both of their biological parents.

• Leave the Discipline to the Biological Parent.

It’s a good idea to set up a list of house rules and consequences together, but let the biological parent lead the discussion with the child. Establish the consequences that will follow certain behaviours, and make it clear that this is the case even if the biological parent isn’t home. 

• Be a Family.

Treat him/her like he/she belongs. That means he/she is entitled to his/her own personal space and time to himself/herself. Discuss what the child’s normal responsibilities were at home before you were together and figure out how to incorporate something similar. If you expect him to do his own laundry and he has never turned on a washing machine, you might run into problems. Don't leave rules open for interpretation. Sit down with all of your children and explain what you've decided is fair for your blended family setup. For those who are old enough, you could decide to include them in some decisions. Even if they're not happy with everything you say, they won't be blindsided by rules that weren't communicated. 

• Laugh a Lot.

Have a sense of humour, even if it isn’t always fun or funny. Don’t think that you have to create a perfect little life for your new family. The more you can laugh, the faster everyone will adjust in a positive way — and you can be proud that you helped make that happen.

•  Relationship between stepsiblings

It’s hard enough for a child to compete with siblings in a nuclear family. When it’s stepsiblings that they’re not entirely comfortable with yet, the problem can magnify. For a child who hasn’t had to share a parent in a long time, that adjustment period might be a little bit longer.

What to do?

First, talk to your spouse so you’re on the same page about sibling rivalry. Nothing will work if one of you blames the other person’s child for causing the rift. If you have different disciplinary styles, you're also likely to encounter problems.

Consequences and rewards need to be the same for all the children, no matter how it used to work before you two got married. This is important to follow through and it shows the unity between the couple.

• Difficulty in accepting a new parent.

If children have spent a long time in a one-parent family, or still nurture hopes of reconciling their parents, they may have difficulty accepting a new person.

• Maintaining couple quality in a blended family

While newly remarried couples without children can use their first months together to build on their relationship, couples in a blended family are often more consumed with their kids than each other. But focusing on building a strong marital bond will ultimately benefit everyone, including the children. If kids see love, respect, and open communication between you and your spouse, they will feel more secure and are more likely to model those qualities.

• Set aside time as a couple by making regular dates or meeting for lunch or coffee during school time, making plans for short holidays together.

• Present a unified parenting approach to the children—arguing or disagreeing in front of them may encourage them to try to come between you.

 Are you in a blended family? Are you struggling with some of the things mentioned in this post? Get in touch to book an initial couples session to discuss how you can put some of these things into practice.