Relationships and miscarriage

Last week we talked about how unmet childhood needs affect adult relationships and this week we talk about relationships and miscarriage.

Pregnancy loss can greatly affect a couple's relationship. It can either tear them apart or bring them closer together. A new study shows the outcome all depends on how they handle it. This is an outcome of miscarriage that has not yet been named, but it can have a serious effect on a couple's relationship.

Research of first-time fathers shows the baby does not become real -- or at least a man does not consider himself a father -- until the first time he holds the baby in his arms.

Thus, when there is pregnancy loss, he and she will have very different experiences. His physical reminder of the pregnancy is seeing her. But she has experienced the baby biologically every day. That baby has been inside her. Therefore, their reactions are different when the baby is lost.

Men and women react differently.

The typical male attitude in the face of crises is to fix things (that can be one of women’s biggest complaints about their male partner). But a miscarriage cannot be fixed. There is nothing but time that will heal the scar of the loss of embryonic life. In that light, a father will feel powerless and hopeless to address his own feelings and the sadness experienced by his partner.

It is best if the male partner takes the time to sit with her, holds her, listens to her express herself. Just being there and supporting her through her grief will really help her process the experience.

Get busy. Men will often turn to a project to help assuage the feelings of grief and loss.

When relationships had grown more distant, partners had done less to show they cared. Women in distant relationships reported more negative feelings --depression, anger, confusion, and tension. 

Women who were sexually more distant avoided intercourse, experienced less desire, and saw sex as a functional necessity- a fearful reminder of loss, and a source of tension. 

In Couples therapy I noticed women in distant relationships may have felt abandoned. When men shared their feelings, women felt it helped them pull through a difficult time. 

It helps if, in counselling, they can both name what they have lost. This can get them to the heart of the issue surrounding miscarriage. 

A lot of female clients would say, "I lost my baby." 

But for the male partner, the answer varies: For some, it's 'I lost a baby;' for others, it's 'a future baby.' Or, if they stayed in therapy a bit longer, they would say, I lost her, she's just not herself, I want her to get back to how she was.

Here I highlight some of those points that could help couples when they go through grief:  

• It is Ok if you have mixed emotions

Just as recognising the power of togetherness is essential, communication is vital.

When you sit to talk about it, whether it’s a planned or spontaneous discussion, it’s important that you realise you are not the same.

You will therefore not grieve in the same way, nor will you have experienced the miscarriage in the same way – this does not mean that either one of you holds more importance over the other.

The truth is that you must learn to listen to how each other feels and recognise and accept that – even if you do not feel the same way.

One of you may be angry, one of you may be defensive, one of you may be swallowed in sadness and one of you may want to move on and the other may not.

All of these thoughts and emotions are OK – what is important is that you realise this about yourselves as a couple.

• Do simple things together

Try to set aside time to nurture your relationship by going back to the things that have always brought you together—even if it’s as simple as watching your favourite movie together. Do you have a shared love for music? Love to cook together? Are you hikers and nature adventurers? What are those things that brought you two together in the first place?

• Be kind to one another

Sometimes it might feel like too much to just be around each other. You and your partner may trigger each other, pick up and take on each other’s stress, or want to heal in your own ways. 

This can look different for everyone. It might mean spending time with friends without your partner, reinvesting yourself in a hobby or passion that lights you up, or even taking a weekend trip away from each other to recharge. 

Spending time apart is sometimes a necessary part of healing from the grief of a miscarriage, so that you can come back together as happier versions of yourselves.

• Memory Box

One way to commemorate a loss is by making a memory box full of objects and knick-knacks that remind you of someone who has died.

Create a memory box together, it gives you a chance to reflect on your miscarriage, what it means to you both, and how it’s affected you and your relationship. 

Not only can a memory box help give meaning to your loss, but it can also provide closure while still honoring the loss you both experienced. 

Some things you can put in your miscarriage memory box are sonogram pictures, maternity photos, swaddling blankets, new-born clothing, and baby shower cards.

• Get emotional support

Grief can put a strain on the best of relationships. If you feel like the stress of your loss is pulling you and your partner apart, it may help to get some professional support. You may want to go alone or together.