Misconceptions about couples therapy and what its benefits are for your relationship

Last week we talked about relationships and miscarriage and this week we talk about misconceptions about couples therapy and what its benefits are for your relationship.

When it comes to being a therapist, people who’ve never worked with one often create judgments that don’t exactly match reality. These judgments could have been developed from watching a character on TV, or from what they’ve heard from family and friends. Wherever they got these ideas, a lot of them are at best misleading, and at worst downright hurtful.

Couples therapy is not easy, and we often hesitate when we hear it. Generally, there are still many misunderstandings in our culture about the therapeutic environment. I’m hoping to dispel a few common myths & make approaching couples therapy a little less daunting.

Examples:

• wife approaches her husband about couples’ therapy, a fight ensues because the husband gets defensive about their relationship.

• A husband approaches his wife about the same thing, the wife gets happy because she thinks that a therapist can “fix” her husband.

Both scenarios are quite typical of the clients we see at couples’ therapy. The reason for these typical reactions to therapy is due to the stigma and false impressions that still surround counselling and therapy.

Sometimes you might say if we go to couples therapy, it will lead to end our relationship.

This is not true. Therapy in and itself cannot lead to end the relationship. Successful therapy will have you seeing things you don’t always want to see about yourself and your relationship with regards to unhealthy patterns, toxic conflict resolution, poor boundaries, and unrealistic expectations. You will as a couple uncover past and present emotional injuries and breaches in trust with an opportunity to find healing and hope. It does require emotional stamina, a desire to learn and apply and a growth mindset. It requires commitment to the process and willingness to be in the inner places that have one feeling vulnerable (reminder vulnerability to true strength).  Sometimes, though, couples therapy is a space to decide whether to stay together or go your separate ways.

My therapist will just tell me what to do.

Therapists will use their training and expertise to motivate and teach about various solutions to problems. Therapists will help couples to find the answers they are seeking to questions about their relationships. As a couple’s therapist, I believe that every person is an expert in their own life. I respect autonomy and choice. My role is not to tell someone what to do, but to help build them up to identify the unhealthy dynamic they’re finding themselves tangled in and in due course learn new healthy patterns of dealing with problems. Even therapists who are solution-focused or goal-oriented work with the clients on what they want to achieve. Therapists do not tell you what to do. We are not advice-givers.

Couples counselling is too expensive, and I can’t afford it.

Divorce is more expensive with more negative consequences than one can imagine.  The fact of the matter is therapists do work with clients’ financial situations to the best of their ability.  In terms of it taking forever, there are a variety of ways a therapist can work with your particular situation and depending on whether you’re being proactive and involved in the process couples’ therapy can take on different forms (time, duration, energy).  It will however take some energy, time, and resources to make your relationship stronger and happier.

The Therapist and my partner are going to end up blaming me for everything.

It can be a really vulnerable place, being in couples’ counselling. We hear you! As therapists, though, we are also particularly skilled at making that vulnerability also feel safe. The couples’ counselling process is not about finding the partner who is “at fault.” It is much more about discovering where and how things got off track, what works for each of you to bring it back to a place of more healthy functioning, and communicating clearly about needs you each have, compromises you can make, and commitment to continuing that process daily. A skilled couple’s therapist can help you realise opportunities for growth without it being a blame game. A very skilled couples’ therapist will help you see your relationship as the client, not a single individual as that. Therefore, the therapist will seek to partner with both individuals in the relationship in a way that enhances that relationship.

The therapist will take sides.

A fear that often comes to people in couples therapy is that a therapist might take sides when there is three of you, or if someone has behaved in an ‘unkind’ way such as having an affair. As a therapist, no matter what my moral orientation may be, being close with both partners is important for progress to take shape. A therapist does not blame or criticise you as this is unethical, so you might want to consider moving to another therapist if this were to ever happen.

Further to this, many people may worry when their partner chooses a therapist of the same gender as they think they might be left out. For example, in a heterosexual couple one may think that if their female partner choses a female therapist it could create a dynamic where the females ‘gang-up’ on the male, but this is not the case. A therapist will endeavour to make sure both partners feel heard and understood.

It’s going to take ages and I haven’t got all that time to waste.

Counselling for couples can take as long as it needs to and will depend on the complexity of the issues being dealt with as well as the personality of the couple concerned. 

One of the key couple counselling facts that the conflicting couples should know is that you cannot put a time limit on the amount of care, thinking space and attention that a couple may require in order to get their relationship back on track.

So, what do successful couples do? Successful couples:

• Prioritise their relationship.

• Learn to fight fair and know how to make up after a fight.

• Figure out how to deal with their differences.

• Learn the healthy pattern for a successful relationship.

• Stop the blame game.

• Understand and acknowledge their partner’s needs.

• Recognise the negative trigger.

Take away.

Unfortunately, seeking assistance from couple’s counsellors is still very much a hush-hush affair, and the myths persist to this day. 

Such preconceived ideas about counselling for couples restrict people from shedding off their inhibitions and discussing their relationship problems with relationship experts and counsellors. It reduces their chance of living a better life minus the issues.

Counselling for couples is similar to help forums that can relieve you from the symptoms and bring positive changes in your personal life.

Once these myths about counselling for couples have been removed and you are aware of relevant facts about counselling, you will be free to go forward and enjoy the benefits and positive results waiting for you and your partner when you receive couples counselling.

Final question…

Are you in a relationship and not sure what is the best to do, if any of these points mentioned in this post resonate with your thoughts and the doubts you have? Get in touch to book an initial couples’ session to discuss how you feel and put some of these questions into ease.