Grief and the family

Last week we talked about how anxious attachments affect your relationships and this week we talk about grief and the family.

When a family grieves a loss, expect lots of different emotions, reactions, and coping mechanisms to emerge, likely at different paces. 

Dealing with grief is no easy task. As someone well-acquainted with death and loss, I know firsthand. Loss visits us all in one form or another, and where loss is, grief is sure to follow.

The process of grief may include shutting down, crying, sleeping, struggling to sleep, overeating, struggling with appetite, angry outbursts, irritability, moments of levity, numbness, depression, and denial. Some family members will want to discuss the loss while others withdraw into silence.

There are several models of grief that can provide a framework for what to expect and can help us “move on”. One of the most well-known models of is “The 6 Stages of Grief,” originally developed by the late (and great) Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

THE 6 STAGES OF GRIEF

• Shock

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

The 6 Stages of Grief are not intended to be worked through and “checked off,” like a list. Rather, they are guideposts, helping us identify and understand what we may be feeling. Not everyone will experience every stage, and many people will go through the stages in a different order. 

STAGE 1: SHOCK

The emotional shock of losing someone or something dear to us is really no different than the state of shock after physical trauma, in both, we shut down. Shock protects our bodies/psyches, from what we are not yet ready to feel, a protective “timeout.” Shock is of short duration, measured in hours, days.

STAGE 2: DENIAL

We tell ourselves this can’t be true, can’t be happening, can’t be real, there must be some mistake. Denial, like shock, is usually of short duration.

STAGE 3: BARGAINING

Often, we tell ourselves, that if we just do this or that, we won’t have to suffer this horrible loss, feel this pain. Bargaining is usually a relatively short grief stage unless we get stuck there by telling ourselves we can do something to avoid the pain of the next stages of grief.

STAGE 4: ANGER

We may get angry at the Doctors. who could not save our loved one, angry at God, angry at ourselves for not doing something that might have prevented this loss, even angry at the one who died for leaving us. We may even displace our anger onto some innocent friend or family member. In anger, we often utter the words, WHY ME? The anger stage is not normally a lengthy process.

STAGE 5: DEPRESSION

We may not be able to sleep, have changes in appetite, not want to engage in activities with others, have no energy, have overwhelming feelings of sadness, cry a lot, and sometimes even feel hopeless. Depression is usually the longest and most difficult stage of grief. Ironically, what brings us out of our depression is finally allowing ourselves to experience our very deepest sadness.

STAGE 6: ACCEPTANCE

We come to the place where we accept the loss, make some meaning of it for our lives and are able to move on. If we have lost a loved one, we often transition from a physical relationship to a spiritual one with that person and are able to remember and be thankful for the good times. If there has been a tragic loss, either from some horrible disease or an accident, people often find a way to reach out to others who are experiencing the same type of loss and give help and comfort. In this way we are able to make meaning of the loss in our lives.

Unspoken rules

Families often have unspoken “rules” or messages about grief and loss. Messages such as “Just be strong,” “Never talk about it,” or “It’s in the past, move on,” which may lead to feelings of isolation and can halt grief work before it’s even begun, leaving family members stuck between repeating old patterns and trying to do things differently.

After my sister died, the unspoken message was not to talk about it. Create a big lie about how she died to people, consequently, all of my siblings have never talked about her until recently I said how I always carried the truth and I felt, my three sisters didn’t remember much of, but my two brothers don’t engage at all, shut down. It is like a shame thing if we do talk. Tarifa’s death was a profound turning point in our lives, not just because of losing our dear sister, but because it changed our family dynamics forever.

It's common for the grief process to take a year or longer. A grieving person must resolve the emotional and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. The pain may become less intense, but it's normal to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years.

Families Grief and rules:

Dealing with the grief poses unique challenges for each family member. Parents may find it challenging to maintain their previous sense of order or responsibility in the home. Children may feel lost and alone without a grief-stricken parent’s guidance. Sibling grief can be overlooked or minimized. And individual differences in processing grief can create tension in family relationships.

Couples dealing with grief can face significant struggles in their relationship based on normal differences in grief styles. Women are more likely to talk about their emotions directly and take responsibility for each family member’s grief. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to avoid directly feeling the emotions of grief by turning to work, athletics, or hobbies. As one person turns to the other hoping to talk, cry, or share emotions, they may be distressed to find the other is unavailable. Therefore, even for those in the same grief. Grief can’t be shared.

Family dealing and Family Healing

Though the emotions of grief can be a highly personal experience, families can learn to reach out and support one another, despite their differences. Family members can turn toward one another in dealing with their grief, and families who are able to do so are more likely to find not only individual healing but healing for the family unit as a whole.

Families can unite under the weight of grief by following some of these simple tips:

• Couples—remember to just be there for each other. It’s ok to grieve a little on your own, but don’t shut each other out. Make time to listen, to talk, to do things together, to just love each other. Be patient.

• Parents—remember your children. If you are overcome by your own grief for a time, accept the help of other adults who can serve as caregiver and support your children in the meantime. Work to see the good in them, to recognise their efforts, to love them.

• Children—yes, they are resilient, but they have feelings too. Adults can help children identify and process what they feel. Validate that what they are experiencing is real. Let them know they are not alone.

The family’s role is to provide the physical, loving attention we need through loss. As we read in the New Testament, “…ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy….” (John 16:  20-22). Families can not only survive, but thrive, if they allow their unique experiences of grief to knit them together and heal them as one.

What happens if you don't grieve?

Grief that is withheld and not recognised can have a negative impact on us emotionally as well as physically. If we unconsciously delay the grieving process and withhold emotions, this can manifest itself in physical ways such as headaches, difficulty sleeping, ailment and stomach problem.

If this blog has helped you, or you’d like to know more about how I can help you with your own grief process, or shared life goals, please send me a message and we can book an initial session.