RELATIONSHIPS & ATTACHMENT
British psychiatrist John Bowlby was the first attachment theorist. He described attachment as a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings."
Bowlby was interested in understanding separation anxiety and the distress that children experience when separated from their primary caregivers.
Attachment is an emotional bond with another person. John Bowlby believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers has a tremendous impact that continues throughout life.
He suggested that attachment also serves to keep the infant close to the mother, thus improving the child's chances of survival.
There are four attachment styles:
Secure attachment
Ambivalent (or anxious-preoccupied) attachment
Avoidant-dismissive attachment
Disorganized attachment
Attachment styles shape adult relationships.
Attachment styles or types are characterized by the behaviour exhibited within a relationship, especially when that relationship is threatened.
For example, someone with a secure attachment style may be able to share their feelings openly and seek support when faced with relationship problems.
Those with insecure attachment styles, on the other hand, may tend to become needy or clingy in their closest relationships, behave in selfishly or through manipulation when feeling vulnerable, or simply shy away from intimacy altogether.
Understanding how your attachment style shapes and influences your intimate relationships can help you make sense of your own behaviour, how you perceive your partner, and how you respond to intimacy.
Identifying these patterns can then help you clarify what you need in a relationship and the best way to overcome problems.
You might have lots of questions. We can explore these through therapy. Together with a therapist, you can find out where our attachment patterns come from, how they affect your relationships, and how to overcome barriers that past experiences might be bringing to your present relationships.
Here are some questions to think about in relation to how early attachment affects our present relationships:
1.Do you wonder why others go through life with no relationship issues yet you find them difficult?
2. Are you looking for the 'happy ever after' and are constantly disappointed that you never find it?
3. At times, does life seem unbearable with unfulfilled relationships?
If you answered yes to all three questions then you are not alone.
Would it surprise you to read that the most Googled ‘what is...’ phrase of ‘what is love?’ or another one “what is a healthy relationship?”
We all have different relationship with different people, be it family, friends, romantic relationships, acquaintances, and spiritual relationships.
In order to understand the role of relationships in your life today your counselling journey will include looking at how you have learned to relate to others.
It is quite astonishing to know that attachment patterns set in the early years of life play a significant part in how we all emotionally bond and connect with others.
The first relationships you would have witnessed are those around you in your early years.
What did you learn? Could you trust? Did you feel safe? Were others readily available to you?
I would like to add that this is not a hard and fast rule for how you are in relationships. There are many factors in your life that can contribute to how emotionally available (or unavailable!) you are to others.
What is great is that we get injured in relationship and we heal in relationships.
If you are reading this, there might be “something” that is causing you to struggle with your relationships. Get in touch to find out how I can help you work through these issues.